Dear Ruthie

I met you almost exactly two years ago.

We were going to a concert that our sister church in Bloomington apparently put on every year. We, not including you. Unaware that we were missing anything, we didn't know you existed.

None of us knew you except for Jonny. We heard he was bringing his friend from college to the concert. When I discovered that his friend wasn't a guy, I was surprised. Naturally we assumed you were interested in each other, unaware of the Bloomington connection.

There was much confusion about rides, which I shall not attempt to recall or describe. Suffice it to say, though I hadn't planned on going, I wanted to and I was told there was room...and we discovered when we got there that there was not. As we confirmed this year, we all know that something will be confusing and complicated, or it's just not right. Ironically, my gentlemanly brother let me go, briefly met you in the church office parking lot, and left.

So, suddenly you were on a long drive with six people, knowing only one. We didn't know you hardly even knew Jonny.

I wondered what you thought of us. We were very comfortable together, and acted no differently with this friend of Jonny's. That was all we knew, really, though perhaps we knew you were in engineering. And I found your name fascinating--I wonder if we talked about it. We wanted to name the twins we always wanted Mom to have Ruth and Naomi, and I always liked the name Ruth. But now, it sounds kind of incomplete, and I prefer Ruthie. I wonder if you told us your name was Ruthanne, or if I just wondered if Ruthie or Ruth was your real name.

I don't really remember telling you about Ryan and Grace's wedding, but since Mercy and I were both there and at that time it was never too far from my mind, it doesn't surprise me that we did. You must have told us that you were going to do a co-op in Bloomington and that was why Jonny invited you, so you had connection to a church.

I can picture a place along the highway where we were having a conversation. I know Rebekah and I were talking with you, but I cannot remember what exactly it was about. I think you might have told us about one of the many places you've visited or that your sister lived in Japan. It's interesting to think that these vague things I scarcely remember were probably about your mission trips to China and Romania, living in the Dominican, your family's travels, your tree story, and so forth. I don't remember much. Though I liked this friendly, quiet girl (as I think I had thought), I didn't expect to see her again.

The most vivid memory I have of you on that trip was on the way back. You had volunteered to sit in the front (somehow discerning that I didn't want to, already able to read me well). They had been joking and warning you about how Rebekah and Jonny's brother Ben drove slowly, never above the speed limit. When we stopped for gas, after Ben shut the door, you turned around, with that wide-eyed, very expressive look that I love, and said, "He does drive slowly!" And of course, as always, nothing that you say can be properly written down, for the words cannot relay your indescribably wonderful voice. At that point, I picture you as I know you now. Other than that, I cannot quite see you as yourself.

I saw you once again soon after that. You visited college group at Nick and Heidi's apartment once. I remember which wall you sat against and that Joy was there that night too. Other than that, I remember more about sitting on the couch by Ryan and Grace and joking about Gerald with them than anything about you that night.

I met you again one year ago. After discovering the Bloomington concert, we went back. As we sat in the pews, I recognized someone in the choir. "There's Ruthie!" I told Rebekah, pointing you out.

Afterwards, we talked to you. You were surprised to see us, I think, and that I remembered you, and I think I may have gotten my first Ruthie hug. I remember you saying that you were coming back in January and that you would come to our church.

After the rest of a stuffed-full, delightful December and a bit of January, I had forgotten that you might come until one Sunday I saw you. "Ruthie's here!" I said to whoever was beside me--Melody, perhaps. "Who's Ruthie?" she asked. "She went to the concert with us last year. I forgot she said she was coming here." I believe I went over and said hi to you.

I don't remember much of the beginning of that year. I remember when you were going to be in the Student Union at UT doing some sort of presentation, so I decided to go see if you were there. I think I may have startled you. Eric had just filled out a form and got a water bottle. You started telling me that your time was about done, but I could talk to this other guy--but I said good, I wasn't really interested in computers but in talking with you.

Then I walked out to the car with you. I don't remember a lot of what we discussed, but I remember pretty clearly where we walked and thinking that I really liked this Ruthie. We went past this fence and into this parking lot in an area I did not know on the side of campus closest to Engineering--now a quite familiar area.

We discussed school, and I think that I told you then why I had decided to go to school, and for the first time perhaps I went away smiling because of your encouragement. And also for perhaps the first time I noted your sweet gray-green Explorer. I like your car. The color is cool, and it always makes me excited when I recognize people's vehicles. Mostly, though, I get excited when I see it because I expect to see you.

Even though I don't remember much before then, I considered you a good friend by the time you agreed to come to our women's summer Bible study. That was about the time you decided to stay in the apartment at the Armentrouts'. Both of those things made me happy. I found it amusing when you and Mrs. Armentrout both appeared at Bible study unbeknownst to the other. "I could have told you that," I said.

Probably the reason I don't remember becoming friends with you is that, as you have sometimes kind of complained (or as close to complaining as you get), you just fit in so well so quickly, that everyone assumes you know things you haven't been told. Because we just can't--or don't want to--imagine life without Ruthie. That's the worst. 

Then there was Backyard Bible club--two of them, actually. You added so much fun to BYBC, and there you got more taste of the craziness that is the Beerbower family, the "vortex that once you're sucked in you cannot escape from," as Uncle Al said.

Although that might have been more at the Exaltation concert in May, where you said you fell in love with my family. I loved how you fit in so well, how you appreciate my parents, how Mom (and later Aunt T) makes you die laughing, how the kids love you. Although, "everyone loves Ruthie."

As you would say, True, that. No, but really.

Your calm, peace-loving and always sweet disposition is the perfect complement to our family's exuberant, dry-humored and always sarcastic nature. As is your realistic discipline to our free-spirited, that-sounds-fun impulsive tendencies, and your unbending calm confidence that won't stoop to indulge our love of a good argument and the way we "state [our] opinions as commonly accepted fact."

I delight in your adorable voice and your way of speaking. I often remember once when you said, "Jeannettie, you're coming with!" I know that's silly, but you were happy I was coming and your voice and way of speaking are so delightful. Plus I especially enjoy how you say my name. And it makes me happy that you always call me Jeannettie, as only a few certain people who really love me do.

I love the goofy, eyebrow-raising, wide-eyed face you put on for my pictures. (The first time I noticed that at the camping trip, I thought, That just happened! Okay, maybe that was before I used that phrase...)Your height, perfect for giving real hugs, makes me happy. You don't know how much I appreciate your company, your interest in me, your indulgence when I want to verbally organize my thoughts, and your reliably practical and calm responses to my idealistic, flighty ramblings.

There are some people that when you think of them, you must simply marvel at God's graciousness to you that He put them in your life. You're one of them. Thinking of how God has worked in your life and connected it with ours, I can't help but rejoice. (I hope you do too, because you know we're never going to let you get away from us. :-)

As you would say, You're the best thing ever.

Truth.

I am so glad God blessed the world with you, Ruthie. Happy birthday. You're the best.

I love you, Ruthanne.

True story.


*Words in italics are copyrighted by the Ruthie-Jeannette phrase-stealing club and should be read in Ruthie's voice.

Smiling a Year Later

It seemed appropriate to post something today. Today marks the end of a year of enjoying "at this time last year" thoughts. Sure, there are a few more, but today I officially acknowledge the end of what has been a fun season. (Okay, that sounds bad, but whatever, you know what I mean.) For though I have pretty much remembered every 28th this past year, today marks the first official anniversary of Ryan and Grace. After all, anni means year, not month. (I, daughter of Keith, put that in just for you, Ryan.)

Though today is much warmer than a year ago (of course, that doesn't say much anyway), it is also icy and wet and slushy. I am also glad you didn't get married last week, which, if possible, and it is, was even colder than this day was last year (now, that says something). Not to mention the fact that a year-and-three-months engagement wouldn't have been fun...

Thinking about it still makes me happy; Toni and Guy's still catches my eye, I still have my bobby pins together, and I still get excited when we pass David's Bridal. All things wedding still bring it to my mind; though there have been others, to me "the wedding", "the proposal", and "the engagement" still refer to Ryan and Grace's. With Something to Smile About filling so much of the last year and three months and a number of my favorite blog posts, it seemed fitting to write one more Smile post.

Yet, what remains to be said?

Like I said in my poem for the photo of the day one year ago.

January 28th

To others this was just another day
It meant little to them that when
Asked the date you would say
It's January 28th.

Just a weekend with things to do
Nothing special about today.
Just one day to go through
Just January 28th.

They went about their day because
That is what they had to do.
On the other hand, to us it was
January 28th!

The day for which we'd planned and prayed
Bought and set and prepped and all.
So very many things were made
For January 28th.

The day had by the calendar come
And then it seemed so abruptly
The anticipated day had gone,
This January 28th.

After a wedding, what can one say?
How can one summarize
What went on that day?
On one January 28th.

Can you share what it's like that day?
What one picture can capture
All you want to convey?
From January 28th.

No, pen and paper can not tell
The thoughts in your mind,
What makes your heart swell,
On January 28th.

But with a hug and shining eyes
You attempt to convey the hope, joy,
The prayer that on your heart lies
On that January 28th.

It's like writing in birthday and Christmas cards. As much as you love and wish wonderful things for whomever you're giving them to, it's often hard to think of anything to write.

In thinking about writing this post, I looked over things I had written at the time. It brings a smile to my face. I don't know if I amused other people, but looking back at myself, I amuse myself. I often amuse myself. More often than not, I believe, other people just think I'm weird (Ryan especially-according to him I even make it to loony, although I don't know if he still includes Grace in that...), but that's okay; I'm used to it and I'm still amused. Why else do you think I wrote this paragraph?

But this is supposed to be an appropriate thing for Ryan and Grace to read while they're in Florida (unlike previous posts, they actually are where I said) to celebrate their anniversary. So, I decided to relate a few things that I thought they might enjoy, things that come to mind that, mostly, I haven't told.

These pictures are from the July 2010 contra dance, the first time I deliberately took a picture of Ryan and Grace or remember thinking, "they look nice together..."

The Sunday after the engagement, the first of November, was quite enjoyable. Everyone got to hear the story-and it was so fun, when people standing about in the narthex asked, "Are Ryan and Grace engaged?" and "What happened?", to know and be able to tell the answers, and even add my side of the story.

(An aside: if you don't know what I'm talking about, I recommend you either read-or skim, unless you have a lot of time to twiddle away-the Something to Smile About posts or skip this post. I might recommend the latter. As previously mentioned, I do things for my own enjoyment, most definitely including the writing of this post.)

Back to that Sunday...I also observed them, which was fun. When there were perhaps two other groups of people left at church, since I was going to scrapbook with Ashley and Rebekah, I was (happy to be) still there. At the back of the sanctuary beside the pews, I stood near Grace, observing as she talked with Mrs. Varner (or possibly Mrs. Wing) about the proposal. I recorded the incident (in writing, that is), but I would not have forgotten it anyway. Mrs. Varner asked her, referring to her reply to Ryan's proposal, "Did you have anything to think about?"

I can picture her response, though it is hard to describe. Grace looked at Mrs. Varner, and then with her head tipped down and lips pressed close together, she gave a slight, firm shake of the head and an equally firm, quick, and quiet, "No." It was my favorite thing from her.

A while before, as people were thinning out, Tyson had teased Grace about changing her name to Grace Olson-Brown. "Or maybe you should do Grace Brown-Olson to show your feminist side," he said. Ryan, standing beside her, put his arm around her, pulled her to him and said, a bit strongly, "She is leaving her family!" Tyson, a bit mockingly, replied, "And she's going to be MINE!"

That might have been my favorite thing of Ryan that day, but there were a few more I liked. They asked me to take pictures of them, so we went out into the courtyard. It was fun to do, to be official and unhidden, if a bit strange as it was the first (and almost only) couple I have photographed, to my memory. Kind of appropriate, I guess.

Ryan started getting goofy...well, doubtless he had been already... He said, "Grace, do you know why I chose this time to ask you?" Waiting an appropriate amount of time, he then answered, "Because I fall for you." There were some other equally lame, sappy ones.

As I took pictures, Ashley-watching and waiting for me with Rebekah-asked him, "How beautiful is Grace?"

"On a scale of one to ten?" he asked. "Infinity." He messed it up by trying to explain, "You know, one of those symbols like an eight that means infinity." Then he hopped up-I had been taking their picture on a bench-and faced her. "Grace," he said, standing tall and holding his hands as far apart as he could, "I don't love you this much." Flinging his hands straight out and pointing his fingers, he said, "I love you this much!"

"I love you this much!"

Then we walked to the vehicles, and Ryan and I switched cameras back again. I feel like there was something with chocolate...I think Ryan offered an old Andes mint, which I took, and didn't eat until a couple days later. (Like I said, I'm writing this for my own amusement. Although I guess I said I was writing it for Ryan and Grace. Whatever, they'll be tired of reading it by now and already think I'm weird.)

That was a dumb paragraph...but since it amuses me...it stays.

As we were about to leave, standing in the parking lot near the trees, Ryan said, "I thought of another one." I knew what he was going to say, and sure enough, he said: "I will never leaf you."

I might as well continue with scenes that stick out in my mind. This one is for their amusement. (Okay, maybe it's more for mine...)

After I wrote Something to Smile About, I wanted to share it with them, but didn't know if I wanted to put it on my blog, or if they did. They said I could, and after I did they shared it with their family and put a link to it on their wedding site.

I saw someone had gotten onto my blog from a wedding site, and clicked on it. They hadn't sent the link out to people yet, though. This didn't occur to me, and I decided to reply that I wasn't coming (a joke we had; see Still Smiling).

We went to a contradance, and Ryan came. I was suprised, because Grace was working. I think as soon as he saw me, he said something along the lines of, "You! You're not invited." I was confused until I realized what he must mean and laughed. He wasn't particularly happy with me, and said that since I hadn't been invited, I couldn't say I wasn't going. I told him that would be interesting, since Grace was forcing me to be a bridesmaid. We happened to be neighbors in a Gypsy song, and he kept complaining. He looked away, and at last put his hands in front of his face. Every time we passed each other in a dance that evening, he repeated, "You're still not invited."

As soon as Grace saw me the next day, she said, "You!", though laughing with a more amused fashion than Ryan had.

I felt sort of bad, and wouldn't have done it if I had realized that I shouldn't know they had the site. But it still amused me...

Ryan had seemed a bit lost that night, and left quickly. Though I can't remember a specific day, I remember him looking around at church with a similar lost expression, and then his face lighting up when Grace came.

Two other things I enjoyed from Ryan:

That past summer, several months before they were engaged, I had discovered Grace had a ghost. She told me she used to walk and hold hands with him. Sorry, that sounds a lot weirder than it really was. Gerald, her ghost, was the source of many jokes. (Truly, Gerald was completely Grace's idea, not mine, even if I did run with it.) There were a number of jokes we had which Ryan didn't know about. I was surprised she hadn't told him... One evening service while she was working, a while before they were engaged, Ryan said something about, "maybe it was Gerald."

"Gerald?" I asked. "Who's Gerald?"

"You can stop pretending. I know about Gerald."

"Who is Gerald?" I asked.

"A person you and Grace made up."

"He's not a person."

"Well, something you made up."

I asked him if he knew any of her other secrets, and gullibly believed him, and Grace when she said she hadn't told him the others...but of course she actually had. As I had written a while before that, after I was sure I heard Ryan say Gerald, "By her smile and look, I really wondered, but I didn't think she'd not tell me. I should have known better." She was "waiting for the good, perfect time" to surprise me. It didn't quite work, for I realized, without them telling me, that she had told Ryan our other jokes, and of course I told her I was terribly mad at her and couldn't trust her. Then I added, "(Just to be sure, I wrote the above with a smile and am not in the least mad at you.)" She replied that she read it, amused, and then wondered, "Do I really know her well enough to know she's really joking?"

I know, no one is interested and that's off topic. How many times do I have to tell you I don't care?

One contradance, Ryan stopped dancing with Grace during a line dance, went to a counter, handed me a rubber thing he picked up and said, "Here is Gerald's soul with my condolences." It was the sole of someone's shoe. Of course, it made no sense for Gerald, being a ghost, to die, but it was funny. Then, for the Christmas Special they came back to Friday Night; we ended up talking about Gerald, and I mentioned his soul.

"You still have that!?" Grace asked.

"Do you think I would throw it away?" I replied.

"You're probably going to do something lame like put it in a wedding gift," Ryan said.

"Actually," I groaned, "that's exactly what I was thinking of doing. Now I'll have to think of something better." I ended up putting it between their seats in the car after the wedding. Of course, they looked at the car and took Grace's vehicle. So, I hurriedly took it out of Ryan's car and as people milled about just before they left, slipped it into Grace's purse. I couldn't close it without her noticing, but I had made it and they found it (and probably lost it, poor Gerald).

Anyway, at Friday Night, Ryan mentioned something about "Grace's boyfriend."

"He's not her boyfriend," I said, "he's her ghost. It's...it's like a dog."

When he left the conversation, Grace and I discussed how he doesn't seem to like Gerald. As I wrote at the time, "He seems jealous of him, even though he's an imaginary ghost, and always makes disparaging remarks about him." Like the time Grace said she hadn't been thinking about Gerald much lately. "Oh, I feel so honored," Ryan said. "I've replaced your imaginary friends."

I also wrote, "I love how Ryan talks about Gerald, always denigratingly, like he's jealous of him, even though he's an imaginary ghost. It's cute. Even how last Sunday he told me to leave Grace alone, 'Stop giving her stuff.' " That was referring to a few weeks later when I gave Grace two birthday cards (one for her, one for Graziaso-do you really want me to explain?) and a present (not a real one, of course). "Stop giving her stuff," he growled. It was almost the same as Gerald, as if he thought someone was taking his place and it made him jealous. Of course, in both instances I was probably just being annoying, but it was interesting anyway, and (once again I hate having to use it but can't think of a better word) cute.  He once said, when we and Ashley were around her, "Hey, you guys get away from my fiancee." (He liked saying that word, I think.) Ashley asked if Grace wasn't allowed to have friends any more. At first he said not us (the Beerbowers), but then he said, "not too close".

Speaking of Gerald, once they were sitting on the couch when I came and sat on the floor. Grace said they could move over. "No," I said, "I don't want to squish Gerald."

"You won't squish Gerald. He can fit anywhere. He's sitting between us."

Never mind that they could hardly sit normally and get closer.

Ryan said, "There's nothing between us...except 20 days."

Grace said, "Oh, that was pretty gooey."

As for Grace, I remember standing across from her in Di Di's kitchen at Grace's bridal shower with most of the bridesmaids, talking about doing our hair for the wedding. (As I write this, I realize it was exactly a year ago, the 7th. Yes, I started this post over three weeks ago. Why do you think it's so long? Okay, you're right, I could have done it this long in two days. Whatever. I say that word too much.)

Anyway, we were in the kitchen. When Ryan called Autumn, his sister, one of the bridesmaids, she excitedly said something like, "He loves me more than he loves you!" Then she said, "Ryan says he loves you."

Grace said, "Oh." We all looked at her. She said, "Tell him that's nice."

Contra dancing earlier that night-perhaps my favorite picture taken before the proposal.

To make up for that, I shall relay another scene. The summer before they were engaged, there was a bonfire at the church. Ryan and Grace told me I had better still be there when they came back. I decided to stay, and when they returned, Grace and I both felt like checking out the neighborhood-i.e., taking a walk with Gerald. We thought of amusing things to do, like faking Grace falling into the pond we circled, but didn't do them. If Ryan had been the only one there, we might have.

The walk wasn't long enough, so we went on a longer. This time, we had serious conversation, and she told me about her relationship with Ryan. Speaking of how she started to change in her view of him, she said, "It sounds cliche, but it was seeing lived out things I had heard-his love for God, his love for his family, his love for the church." When we came back, Ryan asked what we had done. We told him how we had joked that we would dash around the church, walking just as we returned, making people wonder how we had returned so quickly.

Ryan logically replied that no one would believe we had gone all the way around. But Grace and I aren't allowed to be logical, and, as intended, it changed the subject.

Another scene for Grace: after we had made invitations to the wedding at the Zellers' house, Grace was taking us home, and we stopped at a post office because she wanted to send one to Ryan. We actually made them wrong, but nobody except Grace really cared. (I know these reminders are making you wish you could repeat years, Grace...:-). She told me she'd told him it was a good thing he loved her even when she did things wrong. I told her that would be a ridiculous reason not to like someone. Before putting Ryan's invitation in, she scribbled I love you and hearts on the envelope-something along those lines. I was sitting by her two days later at Bible study when she got a text. I teased her for texting during Bible study, and she started laughing and read it to me. "You invited me to our wedding. I love you too."

If you want to confirm exactly what Ryan said, you could ask Grace since she probably still has the text. She was saving her texts from Ryan-she had to take them off of her phone, as she'd deleted everyone else's and it was still full-for a sort of inadvertent journal, which I find such a cool idea that I'd want to get texting just for that.


Okay, I better end this or they really won't read it. I know they appreciate my wordiness so much-Ryan even said at the dress rehearsal dinner, "...and [thanks to] Jeannette for her many pictures and her many words." I should write something serious, of course, for so far the serious has been there, but lurking behind the jokes in such a way that I don't know if anyone except myself will catch it.

Ryan said once that Gerald and his wife-yes, he has a wife, at least Ryan said so; I think he invented her so he wouldn't be worried about him-wouldn't be responding for a while since they were not speaking to each other. (We'd invited Gerald and Mrs. Gerald over for supper, not Ryan and Grace. Actually, it was for a bonfire...which didn't happen...)

A few of my favorite poems no one else will appreciate, for I wrote them in the similitude of a walk with Gerald, and even I am starting to forget what all of the jokes behind the lines are. There are four poems, almost documenting their relationship.

Though never actually spoken of, Ryan is referred to slightly in the first one, written between the acquirement of Gerald and the engagement-just a bit of intimation about him sitting beside Grace at church, not knowing who Gerald is, and getting used to Grace's sense of humor. The second has verses referring to the engagement and Ryan calling us loony. The third is my favorite, and I imagine Grace's too, in which the "walk with Gerald" is the walk down the aisle. I hid it for her (or had Mercy, that is) to find the morning of the wedding.

Then Grace said I should write one for Ryan, so I wrote the last one, "A Talk with Gerald" as if Ryan were talking to him. He tells Gerald that fighting for weeks with his wife isn't good, but he should follow his example and love her. He also tells him repeatedly that he doesn't want him around. I had to show them that one 'cause Ryan didn't find it. After reading it, he told me I was weird, writing one-occasion poems that were only funny once.

Now I'd love to know what Ryan and Grace are thinking. I am thinking it would be very strange to have someone write such a post about you and wondering what the sensation feels like.

I am also thinking of Ryan and Grace. I hope you're having a wonderful anniversary trip. By the way, I forgot to ask if you took your Segway this time. Thank you for letting me intrude upon you so much. You gotta admit, you did rather facilitate it, so either you like torturing yourself like I do, or you don't mind too much. Unless you just needed me to replace that negligent Gerald. Whatever the reason, it's been fun. I mean horrible. I forget you told me I should be truthful about such things, Grace.

Don't expect an essay every year. I don't know what else to say. Then again, it was fun, so maybe I'll make up some stories next time. You can imagine what that would be like.

Sorry for wasting so much of your time. You can return to your trip now. (Be glad at least we didn't tag along. Although you did say I should follow you and document the rest of your lives...)

Happy anniversary. I'm still smiling.

The Best Reason to Smile

You may not realize it, but today is an anniversary. You may not remember what you were doing at this time last year, but what I was doing is strongly in my mind. One year ago, just after 2:30, I was on my email. My friend Grace and I had been emailing back and forth our usual nonsense, joking about sending emails to the wrong person, especially Ryan. At the time, unbeknownst to him, I was sending her a Ryan quote of the day.

When I got on, I saw she had replied to my last email. She asked if Friday morning still worked for me to get together to do scrap booking. I wrote a reply, saying Friday worked for me, and suggested we check out the neighborhood (go for a walk, that is) to cover up our activities. We knew Ryan would ask what she had done, especially if he knew she met with me. Grace isn't normally a scrapbooker, and her scrapbook was to be a surprise for him.

As I was about to send it, I realized had somehow missed an email from Ryan. The subject line said, top secret! Intrigued, I clicked on it. "Even in your family, you can’t speak of this," it said. I caught a glimpse of a few words following: D & E, and your parents...be CERTAIN...

Mom appeared behind me. "Let me get on for a minute." As much as my curiosity was aroused, I quickly logged off, lest Mom see whatever it was she wasn't supposed to.

 I wandered the living room, waiting for Mom to get off. Then Eric.

I could only think of one thing, but I made excuses to myself. If he was going to, why would he tell me? I got on as soon as I could, and finished the email. Even with these suspicions, I didn't imagine how what I was about to read would affect me. 

So I’m proposing on Friday!  Might you be available Friday night to possibly help with my proposal?  I’m thinking hidden photographer from afar for you.

I didn't reply. I ran outside and yelled like when I call the chickens, only without words. Running to the neighbors, I swung hard, grinning the whole time.

If it had been possible, I would have stopped mid-swing. Friday? I was meeting with Grace Friday morning to scrapbook, and going to the park for the proposal Friday evening! Would it be hard to act normal?

It seemed like a long time I was out there, but it must have only been a few minutes. I replied to Ryan, my excitement uncontainable, and looked at the email I had been going to send Grace. Having them both sitting there was quite amusing. If I sent Grace's to Ryan and Ryan's to Grace, that would be amusing... Okay, it would be quite horrible, actually, but the thought of doing it was amusing. Smiling, I sent them both to the correct person.

Ryan had actually said I could maybe tell the older members of my family. I didn't, at first. I just enjoyed knowing what I knew as we worked outside that evening. That night when Deanna came home late from work, I was half-asleep. "Jeannette. Do you want to watch Little House on the Prairie?" I was tired, but I slipped out of bed and went downstairs with her.

As it started, I leaned back against the couch and said, "I didn't get up because I want to watch Little House with you." Finally, at the thought of telling someone, I couldn't suppress my smile, and she asked, "What?" It was so fun to tell her. "Ryan's proposing to Grace on Friday." (Excuse me. I probably said, "Ryan's proposing to Grace on Friday!!!")

"How do you know?" she asked. I told her and showed her Ryan's email. Tired as I was, it was worth getting up for.

My sisters told Grace later that I smiled whenever I heard her name-and being a word name, even when it wasn't necessarily referring to her. "Your sister's always smiling," she replied. "You just notice it then." We had a joke as to who would stop smiling first.

Doubtless you're wondering, if you've been aware of these happenings and read my original Smile post, what the point of this is. It did turn out to be more of a rewrite than I thought it would.

I wasn't sure what the point would be myself. I had thought of writing this, probably before they got married. You see, today feels like an anniversary to me, even though their anniversary isn't for over three more months, and even the month-anniversary and anniversary of when he asked her isn't until the 28th. The 25th probably means nothing to them, but like I said, it feels like an anniversary to me. So I felt like doing this...but what was the point? I wasn't sure I had one. I even thought of ending it with something like, "I don't have any conclusion for this, I just felt like writing it because I'm still smiling."

But over a month ago, I got a point.

Though it was challenging, I didn't know as I listened to a study last September 9th that it would affect me so much, just as I hadn't with that email. In like manner, this wasn't really the start; things had been setting up for this day for some time, and the more official anniversary-the 28th for Ryan and Grace, the 16th for this-came later.

After the study when my friend said she wanted to speak to me, I didn't know what it would lead to. We noted things that we saw in our associations with others that we knew weren't right. But we were picking at slivers, not realizing that to remove those slivers, we must first remove the plank, for until that was done, we couldn't see clearly, and more slivers would be produced.

So the Holy Spirit began working in our hearts, revealing our sin, making our desire to change our own hearts, to die to ourselves and live to God. We realized that if our hearts were right with God, if we truly loved Him above all else, then we would naturally desire to speak of Him, and these other things would naturally be resolved.

On the 16th of September, we prayed together to dedicate our new vision. In the wee hours of that morning, we began to speak of heaven, and we got this glorious view of what a truly eternity-focused life would be like. Our joy was unbounded, and for days I couldn't help but smile.

But we know that human beings are fickle and forgetful. We wanted to have fortitude, to not lose sight of that joy and glory. So we determined to keep each other accountable.

Like before, I wanted to share the happenings. It was so exciting, I might have had to tell people even if it had been forbidden. I relayed this exciting happening to Grace. "It's like at your engagement," I told her. "I just can't stop smiling!"

"But it's better," she said.

I forget if she said it's better, more exciting, or happier. Regardless, it stuck firmly in my mind. It's better. Obviously it is for me, but that Grace would think to say it made me wonder. It's better? Of course I have to say it is, but is it?

No Christian would disagree in theory, of course. But as Christians, realizing the goodness, joy and glory of marriage, we sometimes forget. Seeing how wonderful a picture marriage is, we forget that marriage is the picture, CHRIST is the reality. We know that our relationship with God is the most important thing, but I think we often feel that life begins and ends with marriage. It is marriage that gives us fulfillment, not Christ.

And marriage is just an example; it's like that with many things. You see, marriage is concrete to us. We don't have to exercise any faith to see that it is, and that it is good. Christ? Well, we have faith that we have a relationship with Him, but since we cannot see it except with eyes of faith, we often lose sight.

Growing up as a Christian, I know many things the world doesn't realize. Were I to completely abandon my faith, I still would not live outwardly as the world does. All those "terrible" sins-I know that they will not make me happy. But because of this, I can use Jesus as a supplement to my life. Instead of having a good marriage because of love for Jesus, Jesus becomes a way to make my marriage good. Instead of serving others because of love for Jesus, I serve others because I have the knowledge that life will be better that way. Instead of ministering to others so that I will please my Savior, I minister to others to impress those who see me.

In other words, Jesus is a way to make my life good, rather than becoming my life. I know God's way, but do I love it?

I laugh as I read over my Smile posts. I was glad to be a bridesmaid, because people excused my talking about the wedding. I thought about it often, and I was glad if anyone brought it up. Conversations about it caught my ear. People laughed at my silly obsession.

Why was it so exciting to me, I wonder? I have asked myself that multiple times, and I imagine I am not the only one. Regular interest in a wedding, even that it was the first one I could remember being involved in a lot, doesn't explain it. The only reason I can think of is because I love Grace, and I am interested in things that affect her.

It's a silly example, perhaps, but isn't this how we should be with our Savior? Wouldn't we think constantly of Him-and therefore want to speak constantly about Him-wouldn't His name catch our ears, if we truly loved Him? Shouldn't we be willing to look goofy and obsessive, even in the eyes of our family members and other Christians? I long to have that sort of love for the Savior, that others would see me as a little too eager.

But that is not something you can work up. I didn't try to love Grace. I never said, "Okay, she's getting married, so I'm going to be really excited." It even crossed my mind that maybe if it was just a mental choice, I'd choose not to be so much. So, to some degree, it wasn't my decision. And yet, if I had not already had that relationship established, had not already spent time with her and gotten to know her, I wouldn't have been excited about it. And if I had chosen to suppress it, I could have. Our relationship with God has that same tension. As we seek God, He does the work in our hearts. It isn't up to us--yet we can suppress His work or seek it.

A year from when I first found out about the engagement, I am not excited as I was then, yet when I think about it, the joy remains. In a year from September, I may not be jumping out of my skin, but I do not want to lose the joy that I have found in a thirsting desire to love Christ above all, especially self. I want to still be smiling over His glory revealed to me. Realizing that things of this earth don't matter, because I'm going to HEAVEN! These things are but a picture of the reality to come.

And I write this as a reminder to myself. (Which is a good thing, because it's way too long for anyone else to read!) Since we do lose sight and forget the reality of the spiritual, those moments when God reveals Himself to us in a special way are precious. Just as reading that first Smile post reminds me of the excitement I once had, and brings back a smile of remembrance, so I write this that I may not forget the excitement I once had in striving to follow after Christ and the longing to desire Him more than anything, and to call myself back to that joyfulness. "Restore unto me the joy of my salvation."


Thinking it over, I realize: it is better. Way better. Because there's no greater reason to smile.

A Day to Smile About

The day dawned, the 28th, the long awaited, and I awoke with the wedding on my mind. Of course. I woke up thinking about it every morning for I think a week before and didn't stop until a week after. Then, I thought about it because I thought, Hey, I didn't wake up thinking about Ryan and Grace. I can't remember a specific dream about it, but I would have a vague feeling that they were in it.

I thought it was seven, so I didn't get up until half an hour later. Then I realized it was five-thirty, so I went back to bed.

There wasn't the snowstorm we'd prayed for, but there was some snow. Whether it would last until the ceremony was yet to be seen.

Ashley picked me up about a quarter to nine and we headed to Toni and Guys. I pretty much went straight to get my hair done. I hung up my camera bag. It was hard not to greet people as they entered.

A guy named Logan did my hair. He reminded me of some of my cousins and was easy to talk to, which was nice.

As he worked, he was singing the song playing in the background. "Sorry," he said. "I always like to serenade people."

"So do I," I said. He asked what music I liked. I couldn't see his face, but when I listed classical, hymns, and musicals, he didn't seem to know what to say. It was funny.

He straightened the hair on top of my head. When Ashley came by, she said I needed a picture. So she got my camera out and took pictures as she went around.

Grace and Holly

Grace's friend Holly spent the morning with us.

I have never straightened my hair before, and when I had to take my glasses off, I looked quite unlike myself.

I also discovered that hairdos in process look quite funny.

Julie, all dressed for the wedding, looked very nice.

Grace and the flower girl

Julie  and Ashley were the indispensable wedding coordinators. They made everything run smoothly, and it was nice having them there.

Sonya may not have had an official title, but she was a big assistance as well. She got a well-deserved massage.

Bethany's hairdo was perhaps my favorite-incorporating a braid, but still a half-up. It was very pretty on her.

The girl who did Mercy's hair didn't do it the same as it had been done before. Though we had liked the first time, I liked this one even better. It was curlier, and very pretty.

Three of the Brown girls, all looking pretty!

Most of us had finished, so we could get up and watch the others.

The Brown sisters

Grace and me

Grace and Ashley

Alyssa going to get her hair done

Someone was having fun with the camera. ;-)

I'm beginning to feel repetitious, but Grace is pretty. What else can I say?

As I gave Mercy a massage, Grace warned me not to mess up her hair.

Hum...it seems like I have a lot of pictures of her texting, and I'm willing to bet they're all to the same person. ;-)

Deciding whether Alyssa should wear a crown or a flower to match the bridesmaids

Alyssa and Laura weren't done when we left for the mall.

I rode with Julie and Mercy. We were dropped off at the doors so that the wind, of which there was much, wouldn't mess up our hair. We stopped at a counter in the middle of the mall where Grace and Mercy had makeup appointments.

The lady in charge went in search of more people to do the makeup. Some of us stayed there, and others went to another place. One was Macy's, and the other I forget.

Holly was probably not sure she wanted to be associated. ;-)

When another girl came, I had to put away my camera and sit for the first real makeup I've ever worn. Ashley said we needed a picture of this, so she took it out again.

We told her we wanted it to be very natural-looking. First she put on with a big soft brush what I later wanted to call a base coat, but I knew that wasn't the official title. I felt kind of silly when I finally remembered it was called foundation.

Ashley also got her makeup done. Julie and Mercy and I'm not sure who else had my camera.

I like this picture with the mirror in the background.

Mrs. Heyerly and Alyssa joined us while I was getting my makeup done. I called Alyssa over to see her hairdo. The crown fit her hairstyle, so she wore it. I liked it.

She put eyeliner and lipstick on me. I wasn't sure about the eyeliner at first, but it was fine.

Like I said before, I'm beginning to feel repetitious, but isn't that a pretty picture of Alyssa?

I think I had the camera back in my hands at this point (judging by Alyssa's face, anyway :-).

Alyssa and her mom

We went on to get something to eat before we went to the church. Mercy wanted to see what she looked like, so we swapped taking photos.

I sometimes forget that I should pause for photos or I'm telling someone how to use the camera and so they aren't very good. I looked funny-I reminded myself, especially with the slightly pale, even-colored skin, of a ballerina from the Nutcracker.

I'm not sure if it was when we did the makeup or at Toni and Guys, but I started singing, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, pretty and witty and gay" (from West Side Story, which Mercy introduced us to recently). As we walked down the mall, I sang that, and "What will this day be like, I wonder..." ("Confidence", from The Sound of Music) and probably something else.

"Jeannette would sing in the mall," Mercy said. I told her I wouldn't be singing if anyone else could hear me. Though I was singing "Confidence" quite loudly, I don't think anyone could hear.

"I can hear you," Holly said. "Do I count?"

"No," I said, "I mean anyone outside of our group."

As we walked through the mall, always an interesting activity, I wondered how often a bride did so. It was interesting to think how (aside from Grace's veil) no one would know what we were doing that day, and to think what stories were occuring in lives of the people we passed that day.

I think everyone had either Chick-fil-A or Subway. I had the former for the first time since I was little, when we collected the cassette tapes they used to give kids.

When we saw the Chick-fil-A cow going past, someone told Grace she needed to get a picture. She went over and I took it.

Not many cows get their picture taken with a bride...

and most brides don't get their picture taken with a cow on their wedding day!

After eating, we left for the church. It was still windy and cold, but the snow had pretty much melted.

Mrs. Olson and Mrs. Gaurin

When I entered, I glimpsed the bouquets that Sally Gaurin did. I was glad to see they had tulips in them, and they were very pretty.

Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Olson (who had my dress) had brought the dresses and they were laid out across the desks in the classroom we used.

Touch ups to hair were done:

Pretty neat pictures of the Browns by Rebekah

The Olsons brought their cool wavy mirrors for us.

Rebekah joined us there. Some of these pictures are hers (most of the artistic ones; I didn't take many that I thought were good that day).

The lovely photographer

It was sometime after twelve thirty, I believe. We all put on our dresses in preparation to take pictures before the ceremony.

Ashley fixing my hair

I made the mistake early in the day of singing, I think upon sight of Mercy, "You look so beautiful, so very beautiful," which is a sort of haunting song from Love Never Dies, the sequel (which we have the music to but have not seen) to Phantom of the Opera.

This was a mistake, not really because I kept annoying people with singing it, but because I have never heard those words or something along those lines with the word beautiful in it more times in one day-maybe in one month or several months; after the ceremony, just about every time someone greeted me, that tune ran through my head, but I couldn't really sing it then, so it annoyed me.

I annoyed Alyssa, the flower girl, (and probably some others) by much singing that morning and early afternoon, mostly of that song and the "I feel pretty" one.

"Why do you have to keep singing?" she asked.

Of course, I replied by singing: "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free."

So, I then had that song ("His Eye is on the Sparrow", in case you were wondering) in my head, and therefore sang it often that early afternoon before the ceremony. It was appropriate, anyway.

There are many pictures of this. It was a perfect silver accent.

Some of our time beforehand we used taking pictures.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Mercy from the day.

Since I don't generally see myself, of course, it's hard to tell how different I looked, but Mom said when she came back she didn't realize it was me at first.

In case you were forgetting, this set of beautiful pictures was taken by the talented Rebekah.

Rebekah and Alyssa

In case you noticed and were wondering, Alyssa says she ruins all of my pictures by making faces.

Autumn painted Alyssa's fingernails sliver.

I like how this almost looks like a mirror at first glance. I wish we had noticed and pursued that idea.

Grace got her dress the week after the engagement when she went with Ashley and Sonya. She hadn't expected to get it that day. The next day, I said, "So, I hear you were successful yesterday."

"Yes," she said, "and that's all you're going to hear!"

I heard a lot more, things she told Ryan about the dress: it was black, with pink polka dots. No sleeves. Polka dot tights. Then it also had green and I think purple dots. After she showed Elizabeth a picture of it (since Elizabeth would be in Peru during the wedding she got a preview), Elizabeth told Ryan it had flamingos on it and one of them had purple hair. She was wearing flamingo tights. After it was adjusted, Grace told me it was hemmed about to the knees and they'd added a big pink pouf on one shoulder.

I did gather some things about the dress beforehand that were actual: while we were looking for things for their scrapbook, Ashley mentioned that a photo sticker we saw of a dress wasn't like Grace's dress; I heard Grace say that she told people who were planning decorations that she didn't want to go too much into snowflakes because her dress had flowers on it; she said it was a soft white; I saw the crown piece and the veil she was wearing; from Mercy I knew it had a train; I forget how, but I knew it had a belt (which isn't the word I want, but you know what I mean-sash, perhaps); and I knew that it was sleeveless and she had sleeves added.

Ashley made me draw a picture of what I thought it looked like, but I didn't really have any idea, especially how to incorporate flowers or draw a train.

Grace was readying behind a divider. I knew she had her dress on, and at last I couldn't wait longer, knowing that I didn't have to.

It may not have been as powerful as those who saw her first when she walked down, but it was pretty cool nonetheless.

Mercy held her arms over her head for a while in an attempt to remedy her perpetually red hands. After a while she gave up. ;-)

Alyssa and her sister Emily

The paparazzi:

The subject:

Deanna and Melody came down for a while. Melody took some pictures and took the camera out with her when they left.

Due to the wind, Grace debated whether or not we should take pictures outside. It was decided to try. Ashley and Julie were bringing the cars up, so the bridal party went down the hall and through the double doors. Peeking out into the narthex, we saw some of the guys. Mercy asked someone to tell them to move. He misunderstood and started directing them towards us.

"There's Ryan!" I said, motioning Grace down the hall. Someone told us we were supposed to go out the other doors, which were right by the room we were in. I'm not sure why we thought otherwise. We heard shrieking coming from that direction and wondered what Ashley and Julie were excited about.

We discovered that was indeed coming from Ashley and Julie, who were understandably worried since we'd been going straight to where the guys were!

Julie and Mercy in the front; in the back me with Alyssa, and Grace

 I decided not to take my camera, which was a good decision, but I did miss it. (These pictures are from Rebekah.) We had a short ride to the park. It was freezing...

The entertainment to make us smile was good:

While Mrs. Varner took photos of Grace alone, Rebekah took pictures of the bridesmaids.

I walked out to watch Grace's photos and so stepped into the sunshine, and discovered that it was significantly warmer there. So, Mercy and I huddled in the sun and I sang, "O Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me."

It was cold, but as I said, it only makes a fun memory later-it was fun even then-and though it was windy, no one's hair was disturbed.

But we did all hurry for the cars as soon as we'd gotten Grace in.

Mrs. Olson stayed at the church with Emily.

There was still some time left when we returned. Enough time for a few more pictures.

We wandered the hall a bit and peeked out at the people arriving. (We didn't go out; these pictures are Rebekah's.)

Abbi was in charge of the guest book

A handsome usher

Jonny chose green

We wandered the hall a bit.

Soon, instead of months, weeks, days, or even hours, we were counting down in minutes. Mrs. Bayly came back and prayed with us. We went down the hall and saw the mothers being seated.

I never did get nervous, which surprised me. It was strange to come in with the ceremony already started and the people seated. As I walked down, I forgot to think about what I was supposed to do and hoped I was fine. Ryan and I acknowledged each other with a nod, but it was obvious where his mind was.

The music changed, and everyone stood. I realized I wouldn't be able to see Grace when she entered because of the people. So I decided to watch Ryan instead. This is one of my favorite pictures from the wedding.

The doors opened, and the look on Ryan's face was indescribable as he almost cried. Then I could see her. It's something that is hard to put in words.

It would be interesting to know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm not depressed like it looks, but thinking serious yet joyful thoughts.

I am not writing much about the ceremony, but it's kind of appropriate. It went so fast. It's something I've thought about when I've gone to weddings before: with all the planning and things, all the expectations, when the day arrives, the everydayness of it seems strange. Time passes, things happen, and though it seems like you should be different, you think about them just like any other day. Yet the everydayness is combined with unusual beauty. Such that it's hard to write about.

Everything went smoothly, and suddenly it was time to walk down.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown!

That still sounds strange...

Mercy and Stephen

As Ryan and Grace dismissed the guests, we milled amongst them in the narthex.

Eric and me

Kristen and me

While everyone went to the reception, the wedding party and family took pictures at the church.

The entry of Mr. and Mrs. Brown

Mr. Brown prayed for us.

My food and the cool placecard Deanna wrote. Sadly, I set my cup down on a kiss and spilled lemonade on it.

Melody was quite proud of this picture

I got my camera back, so the rest of the photos will mostly be mine.

Mr. Varner and Mercy both gave a speech for Ryan and Grace.

Mercy's was a special toast "in the similitude of her texts to Ryan for Grace", written like Old English.

They had frames to sign, one for the adults and one for the kids. People of course had fun with the photos in the middle-and it wasn't just the kids.

We talked to Mercy's second cousin, Krista.

The Brown Family

Mrs. Olson and her adorable grandson Asher

The cool-looking cakeballs, which I forgot to try

The cake looked cool and tasted good.

Grace did the bouquet throw.

Dad told her she had the best bouquet throw he had ever seen.

Kristen caught it.

Ryan had caught the garter at a previous wedding, so he decided to bring it and throw it.

No one told him it was the best throw they'd ever seen. ;-)

At one point before the wedding, someone said something about me not being able to take pictures at the wedding.

"That's why we had her be a bridesmaid," Grace said. "So we wouldn't have so many photos."

I didn't think about it too much before, but afterwards I wished I could have taken pictures more. I'm glad I wouldn't trade the experience for anything; it was so worth it I'm not disappointed about it at all.

About halfway through the reception I started taking pictures, some just because and some I was asked.

Putting the photo booth away

Myles

Mom and Mrs. Olson

Sam Olson and family-love baby Kolby's face in this picture

I asked Rebekah to take my picture with them.

Another of my favorite pictures from the wedding

Caleb handing out kisses

This picture makes me laugh. You can get some awkward photos when people are saying goodbye.

Sonya

Sonya and Rebekah

Sonya and me

I like these ones too.

I also find it amusing that Grace apparently can't stick her tongue out.

Not sure what's going on in this photo even though I'm in it...

The cleanup was well organized; all at once, it seemed, everything was put away. I thought I'd help, but I didn't.

It was about nine when it was time to say goodbye. They didn't tell they were going, but I had made sure Grace told Mercy it was okay if she told me the next day. "What difference does it make?" I asked her. She smiled and didn't reply. "What do you think I'm going to do?!" She just laughed.

Ryan's car was decorated.

They went out and looked at it,

but they took Grace's car instead.

It was over. Things were put away, and people who were involved started to leave.

We had the first family photo taken since some someone snapped one at a softball game a few years ago.

The girls still there enjoyed taking pictures.

Melody thought the bridesmaids standing in a circle made a cool picture.

Later, I thought the Brown girls standing and talking with their father made a cool picture.

Unsurprisingly, it was late when we left the church.

(I wrote the last three paragraphs over a week ago, they're still pretty much true, and I like them, so I'm going to leave them, though they are home now.)

I didn't feel sad and I haven't had the "there's nothing left in life to look forward to" sort of feeling, like Ashley, Rebekah and I in December joked that I would have, at least yet. Maybe it's because I still have post-wedding things to do and haven't thought everything through yet.

But I think, maybe it's like Mercy said at the wedding when people asked her if she cried. "No," she said, "I was too happy to cry!" If I were sad the wedding was over, it'd be for me, since of course they're happier than they've ever been, and quite obviously it's not about me at all. In a sense, it's not even about Ryan and Grace.

It was a beautiful end to the beginning of a beautiful marriage. And Grace, you better be still smiling on your Segway in South Africa because I'm still smiling here.